20. Platitudes

I think I look fine.   And I don’t mean" “I look FINE”.

I  mean, I think I look fine.

I think you would not know what’s going on inside by just looking at me  and although I do want you to know what’s going on when you look at me and I do want you to understand what’s going on inside me when you see me I think the world tells me it does not want to know.

June starts to wash over me like a heavy blanket and by the time the 28th rolls around and marks the day he died I’m completely overwhelmed and completely exhausted, completely numb and  just crippled by it all

But I look fine.

And it’s all the little things that people say to me that tell me I need to look fine

He wouldn’t want you to be sad.

OK great well I’ll just stop being sad because he might not want me to be sad so let me just stop being sad.

Did he tell you that? Did he give you that message for me? Or…Let me just not engage with you anymore

Better yet…He’s in a better place

Better than being here with me? Better than two people in love with each other who were sharing their lives? That place he is is better than here with me?

So you know what  let me just not engage with you either

Just think of something happy every day and soon you won’t feel so sad

WOW. Don’t I wish it worked that way

don’t I wish that if I just thought of rainbows the first thing when I woke up that I wouldn’t spend the rest of the day thinking about how much I miss him

And… that also tells me not to engage with you either

How about no one wants to be around your sadness

Well, thanks for that and I no longer will be around you with or without my sadness

someone  very close to me told me my grief was so intense that they “needed a break from me”

Don’t you think I wish I might have a break from this, but it doesn’t work that way for me because he’s still gone and I still miss him, and I thought you said you would always be there and anything I needed…. Well apparently, not really

What do I wish people would say?

Nothing.

I just want you to see me and sit with me in my mud, holding my hand letting my grieve.

Not trying to rush me out of it.

I think my favorite, and although many other people love this thought is “grief is love with no place to go”

I’m not really sure how that’s supposed to be helpful instead of just baffles me

What about:

Haven’t you gotten over this yet?

It’s nice to see you looking so well you must be doing better

You’re still relatively young. You might find someone else.

I didn’t think you cared about him that much

He’s in heaven and I’m sure he’s looking down on you

YOU call me If you need anything

Time heals all wounds

One day you’ll be reunited

That’s so awful, but you look like you’re doing really well

You look like you’re back to your old self.

The world seems to tell me that they don’t want to see my pain,

they don’t like it, It’s hard, it’s unpleasant, it’s too much,

It’s ugly….

The world prefers me FINE.